15 Ways to Bug Your Bartender

I have to work tonight and am seriously dreading it. I know I shouldn't complain because most of you are 9-5'ers and I at most work 20 hours a week. For those of you that have never bartended before though, I have to deal with the most annoying human beings known to Earth. Drunk ones. I thought I would share some of my pet peeves as a bartender today because I know some of you will appreciate what I'm talking bitching about!

1. "What's your cheapest beer?" You're obviously going to be a great tipper.

2. "This has like no alcohol in it." I pour drinks how I like them. Strong. So you're dumb.

3. "Can you make me something fruity but strong?" Does that even exist? I work at a sports bar and my boss doesn't believe in a blender. Enjoy your $8 Pucker with pineapple juice. I'm also probably going to ID you.

4. "I don't know what I want. Just make me something." You're going to have to be a tad more specific. I don't know you. I don't know if you like whiskey or if you hate vodka. If it's busy I'm seriously going to hate you for this one.

5. "I'll just have a beer." We have 18 on tap. Most bars have more than just one kind of beer so I suggest you pick one you like because you sound really stupid saying that.

6. 50 year old hitting on me. I'm only being nice to you because I work on tips. I am men hitting on mein no way shape or form interested in you. You could be my father. Go away.

7. People that ask for water but don't take a single sip. Thanks for that extra glass I have to wash for no reason ya dick.

8. "Do you have a charger?" When it's super busy and you're making me run around looking for a phone charger, I may act super friendly but I'm secretly wanting to punch you in the face.

9. "Do you have anything on tap?" 18 taps of beer behind me and you're asking that question? Again, go away.

10. "We know Brian."  (Brian is my boss) Good for you. He acts like he knows everyone. He calls you "babe" because he can't remember your name and probably not even your face. You aren't getting anything for free so good try.

11. Get out of my way. If I have to say "Excuse me." more than once, you are in my way. Sit the F down.

12. Know what you want before walking up to the bar. When it's busy, I don't want to sit there and watch you make up your mind. I didn't come to work today just to serve your indecisive self.

13. "Make it a strong one." I'm going to pour you a double and charge you for it.

14. Tipping in change. Seriously?

15. Whistling/Snapping/Holding your glass in the air. I'm ignoring you for the rest of the night. Congratulations.

I could go on forever so I'll just stop right there. Don't get me wrong, bartending is good money and I have made some pretty amazing friends doing it but holy hell, some people just make you want to throw a bottle of vodka at them. I never would.. because that's alcohol abuse and illegal.. but I have definitely thought about it.

 Before I forget, ya'll should follow me on Instagram so that I can stalk your pictures while I should be doing other things like applying for jobs that don't involve drunk people. @cjustine24

Linking up!

Introducing the Fam Damily

One of my favorite blogs, Party Girls Guide, is hosting her very first link up today so I had to support my home girl, Erin. I love to talk about my fam any chance I get so get ready for a big run down of some of my favorite people.

Well first of all, let it be known that I come from a long line of blonde (minus me) bitchy women. My grandmother, 4 aunts, my mom, a sister and countless female cousins. We're seriously a little family of 5 foot little bitches. My mom is the tallest clocking in at 5'6 which is reallyyyy tall for my family. I'm 5'4 though which is also really tall for my fam. (I'm actually more like 5'3 but my ID gives me another inch so I go with that) Everyone else is pushing maybeeee 5'1.

Here is my cute little fam:

 

My mom, or Mama Ninnie, (Lynnie but I've always liked Ninnie better), has a heart of gold but if you mess with someone she loves, watch the fuck out. This is where I get it from.. It's a blessing and a curse. Not sure who its a blessing for but I'm just going to go with it. She pretty much raised me as a single parent and she did a damn fine job if you ask me! I'm pretty awesome.

 Isn't our mama pretty? My sister, Rachel, who I've never called my sister but my "Squeester" is 16 years older than me. She always bugged my mom about wanting a little sister but then when I finally came, she wouldn't take me anywhere because people always thought I was hers. Even though she's old enough to be my mom (I like reminding her of that) she is the most fun person to be around. My mom gets mad at me for the hang overs that my sister gets after a night out with me... Even though she's the hung over one and I'm fine. "That's because you're seasoned at this Cortney!" Sorry mom, someone has to teach her how to hang with the big kids. I can honestly say that my sister and I have never been in a fight. While I was her flower girl, she'll be my maid of honor.

Having a sister that's 16 years older than you, you get to become an aunt at the age of 4! Or at least I did. I have a niece that's 22 and a nephew that's 9. Crazy right? I got to train my niece how to bartend.. How's that for family bonding?

Before Remi, there was Lula Belle. My first baby. I got her going into my sophomore year of college and she is the sweetest little girl you'll ever meet. When I moved to Michigan, I couldn't bring her with me because I couldn't have a dog at my new apartment so my mom pretty much took over. I would have to pry Lula out of my mother's hands in order to have her live here with me so now we just FaceTime. I'm pretty much obsessed.

My family means the world to me. Living 10 hours away from them has been absolutely crazy because of how family oriented I am. My mom and sister are my two very best friends and living this far from them breaks my heart pretty much everyday.

 

Got a little serious there for a minute so let me show you what we do on Christmas morning!

We make margarita's!! Oh.. you don't? We only do when we run out of Mimosa's. Then take pictures of our boobs behind them. Then our mom gets jealous and wants to show off her tata's too even though she's wearing an ugly "beautiful" Christmas sweater. She corrected me on this when I borrowed the above sweater for an ugly Christmas sweater party.

 

I want to hear about your fun families so go link up for Erin's first one ever!

 

5 Reasons Why I Haven't Posted Anything Today (Until Now)

5. I'm Hungry. I've taken up this thing this week called a diet. For some reason I have just now realized that summer is pretty much here and in order to look good presentable in a bikini, my ass needs to get in shape. Dieting/exercise is taking over people and I'm hungryyyy. When I'm hungry, I'm grumpy. I thought I'd save you guys by not posting today because it would be a total complaint of a post but here we are. Sorry.

4. Cleaning. We had a pretty low key party on Saturday.. at most 15 people. For some reason though, it looks like we threw a rager. What. The. Heck. The fact that I'm just getting around to cleaning today is embarrassing so let's just overlook that fact. Thanks.

3. My Computer Is A Prostitute. Yup, this bitch is a real hooker. She never wants to work when I want her to. She's only 2 years old so I don't know what her deal is but I guess I'm in the market for a new one. Any suggestions would be pretty fancy of you!

2. Stalking. Facebook was bad enough. Now I have all of you fabulous ladies to stalk everyday and it might be becoming a problem. A welcome problem.. so thanks girlfriends!

1. Remi. She has taken over my life. Thank God she's cute.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day full of clean houses, working computers, and potty trained puppies. Until then, a box of Sangria is calling my name. Diet, schmiet. This girl needs a drink.

Derby de Mayo Weekend

Three things I learned this weekend:

 

1. Mint Juleps are gross.

2. Big hats should be a thing.

3. Orb is a stupid name for a horse.

 

Our weekend started out with a way too long trip to Hobby Lobby to get supplies for my derby hat, a quick little dinner date, then wine & hat making. When your man stays up until 2AM, becoming a hot glue gun pro by gluing feathers and flowers all over a big floppy hat for you, he's either gay or a keeper. Mine is a keeper.

 

The hat didn't turn out half bad either!

 

I will just never feel comfortable taking a selfie. It's just never going to happen. Anywho, I woke up without a hangover which ended up being the theme of the weekend and I'm not mad about it. We even decided to decorate because we were in a pretty festive mood

 

 

Have you ever had a Mint Julep? I hadn't and now I never will again. Anyone will tell you that a drink has to be pretty gross in order for me not to drink it. I stuck with vodka/sodas. The party went really well except that I didn't bet on Orb. I thought it was a really dumb name for a horse so I went with Goldencents. Now I'm $6 poorer. Damn it.

Didn't the boys look so cute? I love it.

The night gets fuzzy after the party but I woke up without a hangover again!
Cortney - 2 Vodka - 4,596 (I'm catching up)

I know I said that I wouldn't be partaking in any Cinco de Mayo events but I guess I lied. Sorry I'm not sorry.

 

Cortney - 0 Tequila - 2,672

Woof.

 

Now back to the couch to catch up on what Tamra and Vicki are fighting about now.

 

 Nope. Hung over.

 

Tattle Telling On My Dog

Another week has come and gone and our dog is becoming a hefty honey. Not kidding. Remi has been gaining 2-3 lbs a day. I'm just glad that I'm not doing the same.

 

In the two short weeks that we've had her, I've learned one very important thing:
Remi is the boss.

 

If you don't believe me, ask her. She will gladly tell you all about it.

 

She wanted me to show you some pictures of her because she feels like I haven't been enough lately. I decided to listen because.. well, she's kind of a bitch. Again, not kidding.

 

And poor Paul. She's always smacking him around.

 

Exhibit A:

The First Picture Was Taken Last Week.. She's SO Much Bigger Now!

 

Remi is so cool that she even got herself an Instagram this week. @remithedane

You should follow her so that she doesn't bitch at me that she has no friends. She's extremely vain so she's always taking selfies. I have caught her licking her reflection in the mirror more than once.

 

Whether you're betting on horses in a fabulous hat or drinking tequila in a sombrero, have fun this weekend!

Remi is telling me that it's time to get off the computer. I'd tell her that it's time to start peeing outside but it's just not worth the fight.

 



Don't Nobody Love A Sombrero More Than Me

Cinco de Mayo is this weekend and since it's a Sunday, and I'll be hung over from our Kentucky Derby party, I probably won't be participating and this really saddens me. No one enjoys a margarita as much as I do.

And definitely no one enjoys wearing a sombrero as much as I do. I love them so much I even sleep pass out in them.

I was too tired for a real post today because the boyfriend and I went out last night to celebrate some good news and I may or may not have had a little vodka.. I just can't hang with the big kids anymore. So for the link up today, I thought I'd just show you guys how much I love wearing sombreros.. because I really freaking love a good sombrero.



Go link up and talk about what a fabulous Cinco de Mayo you're going to have while I'm hung over on my couch.

Let's Get Drunk & Bet On Some Ponies

I can not even begin to explain how excited I am that spring has finally sprung in Michigan. It's about damn time.

I don't have any cool stories about what I've been up to lately because I really haven't done anything cool since I became a dog mother. She's really cramping our style (did I just say that?) We actually got to go out on a real date over the weekend and I had never been so excited to go out to eat drink my weight in alcohol.

 

She gets her big girl shots soon so she can actually venture out into the real world but until then, I'm stuck here.. being a dog butler. Because that's exactly what I am. I'm just not getting paid to do it.

 

However, I think I'm being awesome this weekend because I am throwing a Kentucky Derby party! If I can't venture out to party, I bring the party to me.

 

We will be wearing these:

Which will probably look more like this since I'm making my own: 

 And eating these: 

Kentucky Hot Browns

Which will probably look more like this: 



 And drinking these: 

Mint Juleps

Which will definitely lead us to too many of these: 

 As we bet on: 

If you can't tell, I'm extremely pumped. If you're feeling festive this weekend and you'd like to make yourself a Mint Julep while enjoying a Kentucky Hot Brown, this is how you do it:

 

Mint Julep

 

You'll Need:

 3 mint leaves

1 oz. simple syrup

4 oz. bourbon

shaved ice

big ass hat

 

1. Put the mint leaves in the bottom of a mixing glass

2. Pour in simple syrup and 1 oz. bourbon

3. Muddle to crush the mint leaves and mix the syrup and bourbon

4. Add the rest of the bourbon

5. Strain into a cocktail glass filled with shaved ice

6. Garnish with a mint sprig

7. Get drunk while wearing your big ass hat

 

Kentucky Hot Brown

(Bites, because I like everything to be fun sized)

 

You'll Need:

 

Mornay Sauce

1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 cup milk
Pinch of freshly ground pepper
Freshly grated nutmeg, to taste
1/2 cup coarsely grated Swiss

Kentucky Hot Brown Bites
1 can refrigerated crescent rolls
1 cup finely chopped turkey
1 cup mornay sauce
2 slices bacon, chopped
1 tomato, diced
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

 

Mornay Sauce:

1. Melt butter in a heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium-high heat.
2. Stir in flour, and cook, stirring constantly, about 1 minute. (Do not let mixture brown)

3. Add milk, whisking constantly.

4. Bring to a low boil, and cook, stirring constantly, about 2 minutes more.

5. Season with salt, pepper, and nutmeg.

6. Remove from heat, and stir in cheese.

7. Allow to cool slightly.

Bites:

 

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. In a small bowl, combine finely chopped turkey and mornay sauce.

3. Lightly spray a mini muffin pan with non stick cooking spray.

4. Unroll crescent rolls and press dough into one large rectangle.

5. Cut rectangle into 24 squares.

6. Press dough squares into muffin cups and shape up around the edges.

7. Fill each muffin cup with some of the turkey mixture.

8. Top each bite with some diced tomato, bacon and parmesan cheese.

9. Bake 13-15 minutes or until lightly browned.

I hope I at least inspired you to celebrate the Kentucky Derby with me this weekend!

 If not, you better throw on a sombrero on Sunday for my second favorite holiday ever,

Cinco de Drinko Mayo.

 PS. I think I finally did something bloggerish. I might have successfully made a button. I say "I think" and "I might have" because I don't know if it actually works but I'm kinda sorta hoping that it does because then I'll feel like I finally did something right in the world of blogging! I'm having a proud moment. Until I learn that I didn't do it right.. which is probably the case.

 

<br /> <br /> <a href="http://littlethingsandvodka.blogspot.com"><img border="0" src="http://i1284.photobucket.com/albums/a573/cjustine24/button2_zps8df336b7.jpg"/></a><br /> <br />

 

 If you take one, tell me! I want to add all of your pretty buttons too.