Thursday, May 9, 2013

15 Ways to Bug Your Bartender

I have to work tonight and am seriously dreading it. I know I shouldn't complain because most of you are 9-5'ers and I at most work 20 hours a week. For those of you that have never bartended before though, I have to deal with the most annoying human beings known to Earth. Drunk ones. I thought I would share some of my pet peeves as a bartender today because I know some of you will appreciate what I'm talking bitching about!
1. "What's your cheapest beer?" You're obviously going to be a great tipper.
2. "This has like no alcohol in it." I pour drinks how I like them. Strong. So you're dumb.
3. "Can you make me something fruity but strong?" Does that even exist? I work at a sports bar and my boss doesn't believe in a blender. Enjoy your $8 Pucker with pineapple juice. I'm also probably going to ID you.
4. "I don't know what I want. Just make me something." You're going to have to be a tad more specific. I don't know you. I don't know if you like whiskey or if you hate vodka. If it's busy I'm seriously going to hate you for this one.
5. "I'll just have a beer." We have 18 on tap. Most bars have more than just one kind of beer so I suggest you pick one you like because you sound really stupid saying that.
6. 50 year old hitting on me. I'm only being nice to you because I work on tips. I am men hitting on mein no way shape or form interested in you. You could be my father. Go away.
7. People that ask for water but don't take a single sip. Thanks for that extra glass I have to wash for no reason ya dick.
8. "Do you have a charger?" When it's super busy and you're making me run around looking for a phone charger, I may act super friendly but I'm secretly wanting to punch you in the face.
9. "Do you have anything on tap?" 18 taps of beer behind me and you're asking that question? Again, go away.
10. "We know Brian."  (Brian is my boss) Good for you. He acts like he knows everyone. He calls you "babe" because he can't remember your name and probably not even your face. You aren't getting anything for free so good try.
11. Get out of my way. If I have to say "Excuse me." more than once, you are in my way. Sit the F down.
12. Know what you want before walking up to the bar. When it's busy, I don't want to sit there and watch you make up your mind. I didn't come to work today just to serve your indecisive self.
13. "Make it a strong one." I'm going to pour you a double and charge you for it.
14. Tipping in change. Seriously?
15. Whistling/Snapping/Holding your glass in the air. I'm ignoring you for the rest of the night. Congratulations.
I could go on forever so I'll just stop right there. Don't get me wrong, bartending is good money and I have made some pretty amazing friends doing it but holy hell, some people just make you want to throw a bottle of vodka at them. I never would.. because that's alcohol abuse and illegal.. but I have definitely thought about it.
 Before I forget, ya'll should follow me on Instagram so that I can stalk your pictures while I should be doing other things like applying for jobs that don't involve drunk people. @cjustine24


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10 comments:

ty said...

"I'll just have a beer." Yeah. We had over 100. Eff your mother. Wasting my TIME.

Because you'll appreciate it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McMWRA4Tzw0

Heidi said...

Holy hell! Loving that you said that because I say it way too often. "We know Brian" sooo annoying! I used to wait tables and people would try to pull that. I'm like ummm this is Chili's, go away!

Chloe West said...

I was never a bartender, but I was a server, and I agree with these things on so many levels. Customers are so damn stupid and annoying.

Jackie said...

I was never a bartender but I have seen people like these and it makes even me cringe/rolls eyes/want to sucker punch someone....

Wine and Summer said...

I never bartended, but drunk people can just be the worst. I love that you called throwing a bottle vodka at someone alcohol abuse!

Erin said...

oh man I can relate. I bartended/waitressed for 8 years...I loveeeed it most of the time but I hate people sometiems, like when they act like their side of ranch is the most important thing in the world....guess what you probably don't need it!

Adriana said...

Hahaha love this. Going to the casino tomorrow and I'm sure I'll be seeing all of this everywhere. ALSO do you have twitter, get on that shizzz

Stephanie said...

These things would drive me bonkers. I admit I say the "I don't know what I want. Just make me something." one but I always specify with what kind of alcohol, if that makes it better! Usually I say "with vodka and anything but cranberry juice."

Tami said...

LOL. I bartended for one hot second in college and quit two weeks in because people are insane! I cannot BELIEVE when people do the phone charger thing... like what planet are you on?!?

liz kaczmarek said...

I just found your blog today and I am already in love! This post is hysterical. I'm a waitress so I feel you on some of these. The tipping in change thing is such a joke. And if a customer snaps their fingers at me you better believe we will be "all out" of whatever they try to order. Bitches be crazy.

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